"Life is learning to grieve well." My counselor first spoke these simple yet profound words to me back in 2018, as I struggled to process emotions after my wife's traumatic experience on a humanitarian aid trip. Her statement has continued to resonate ever since as I’ve walked through various seasons of hardship and loss.
I didn't fully grasp my counselor's wisdom at first. I recall confessing in a moment of frustration and weakness, "I didn't sign up for this." To which she gently replied, "Neither did she." Her words gave me pause. I began to better understand that grief is inevitable - we all experience seasons of deep anguish, crushed dreams, and difficult goodbyes. How we choose to walk through the darkness makes all the difference.
My wife required extensive support during her recovery, as did I in processing the ordeal as her husband. I’m so grateful for the way both our immediate family and our church community surrounded us with love and care (and still do). They journeyed closely with us through the pain, listening, crying and praying together. Their compassion and nurturing love carried us during the most difficult of times.
I realized that throughout our lives, we face grief for many reasons – unfulfilled expectations, deep disappointments, missed opportunities, job losses, faded friendships, departed loved ones. We experience profound moments of sorrow and even hopelessness. And while these losses are often unavoidable, having a supportive community makes all the difference. Knowing you are loved and cared for by family and friends can provide the strength needed to grieve well. Their kindness served as a balm for our wounds, equipping us to better process grief rather than grow bitter. I’m beyond grateful for the family and church community God placed around us. A good mental health counselor goes a long way too!
What should we do when our dreams will never become a reality? How should we react to life-altering news? What can we do when the person or people we relied on let us down again? How do we cope with circumstances that are beyond our control? It feels like I'm constantly taking one step forward and being pushed two steps backward by circumstances. How can I make progress? All of these questions indicate that a level of grieving that is taking place.
Grieving well means acknowledging rather than ignoring hardship. It requires leaning into the messy process - facing discomfort head-on versus seeking escape. For when we learn to grieve well, we cultivate resilience, empathy and depth of character. We can translate pain into compassion. Our losses become teachers, equipping us to walk alongside others navigating sorrow.
Conversely, suppressing emotions and pretending everything is fine leads to festering wounds and bitterness. It causes us to react with self-pity rather than wisdom. Dwelling in grief disables rather than empowers.
Grieving is a choice - our capacity to flourish in suffering hinges on how well we grieve. Will we respond with courage, grace and emotional intelligence as we mourn? Or react with denial, bitterness and calloused hearts? My counselor challenged me to embrace grief as a teacher rather than resist it as an enemy.
I'll admit, I haven't always dealt with grief in a healthy way. When I've been hurt by people or circumstances, my initial instinct has been to find the person or thing responsible for my pain and wish for them to feel a similar level of pain. In some cases, I would even become emotionally indifferent and completely numb to their presence, seeing them as nothing more than taking up space. Shamefully, I used to excel at this behavioral response.
Recently, I have been learning to navigate the tension of grieving while still honoring those who have hurt me as fellow image-bearers. As a follower of Jesus, I believe that every human is created in the image of God. This means that God has something to teach me about Himself through every individual I encounter, even those who have caused me pain or disappointment.
However, this does not mean that I continue to subject myself to abuse or disappointment. I understand that a person's worth should not be solely determined by my worst experience with them. I establish healthy boundaries for myself, ensuring my well-being and safety, while allowing myself to grieve. Instead of avoiding the grieving process, I am practicing respecting it.
By learning to grieve in a healthy way, we can develop resilience and transform our pain into empathy. Ultimately, life is a journey of learning to grieve well.
Life inevitably involves transitions - changes in careers, relationships, health, geography, and responsibilities. With change often comes loss and grief. I experienced this firsthand when the church I pastor underwent a major transition, physically relocating from Silverdale to nearby Bremerton. This move profoundly impacted our tight-knit community. As part of the leadership team spearheading this 2020 transition, which coincided with the COVID-19 pandemic, I witnessed more severed relationships than anticipated. Some of these were with dear people who had wrapped their arms around my family and I during our recovery in 2016 that I previously mentioned.
Navigating this difficult transition meant grieving these severed ties. It meant staring loss in the eyes while still demonstrating faithfulness and commitment to a vision we firmly believed God had given. And it involved moving forward in hope even amidst grief over relationships now changed. For the grieving process is a non-negotiable part of transition. And when we learn to grieve well, we become empowered to handle change with wisdom and courage.
Learning to navigate seasons of transition well involves grieving well at each step. When we embrace grief as a natural part of change and engage deeply with the emotional process, we grow in wisdom and resilience. Grieving the goodbyes prepares our hearts to say hopeful hellos to the next chapter. If instead we suppress the sting of loss brought by transitions, becoming stuck in denial or resentment, we inhibit flourishing on the other side. Just like my counselor said, life is about learning to grieve well. And grieving well empowers us to navigate times of major transition with empathy, courage and meaning.
Thank you for reading. If you would like to comment, please know your perspectives are welcome here.
Disclaimer: This post is not professional mental health advice. I am not a licensed professional mental health counselor. This post is intended to share my personal experiences, what I have learned, and how I have navigated certain circumstances in my life. If you find yourself in a mental health crisis, it is important to seek help from a licensed mental health professional. In my opinion, establishing a professional relationship with a mental health counselor is beneficial for everyone. Personally, mine has been and continues to be a valuable gift.