“Friends”. What does that mean to you? In my opinion, the notion of what a friend is has been cheapened by Facebook and social media.
Let me share a story about Simo. Simo was someone I met in Bible College while in Austria. He came from South Africa but was originally from Serbia, a country that at that time had recently emerged from a civil war. Simo had lost friends and family in this war. I took the liberty of calling Simo my friend in a group setting. In his deep Serbian voice and accent, he responded, “Peter, we are not friends.” As a twenty-something American living abroad in Europe, I was embarrassed, hurt, offended, and bewildered as to why I couldn't call another born-again Christian standing in front of me a friend. I can only imagine the look on my face. I asked Simo, “Why aren't we friends?” He replied, “We haven't pounded salt together.” I remained confused. He continued, “In my world, we aren't friends until we go through difficult times in life together. I don't know if you'll be there for me, and you don't know if I'll be there for you. We need to pound salt together.” It became clear to me then that Simo valued friendship on a much deeper level than I had ever experienced at that time in my life.
Among the four Greek words that describe different types of love (agape, phileo, eros, storge), phileo is one of the most potent. It represents a brotherly love, similar to the concept of Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love. In Roman culture, having brotherly love was a mutual choice made between two people. On the other hand, family love (storge) was something you were born into and did not choose. Unconditional love (agape) is often associated with God and His love for creation. Eros, another powerful form of love, goes beyond erotic love and refers to a deep love for another person as a whole, a whole-person love. However, brotherly love was a commitment between two individuals that often surpassed other forms of love. There are documented cases where friends who shared this phileo love found themselves in battle against each other, and if one was killed by the other's nation, the surviving friend would take their own life out of honor and love for the fallen comrade.
That is an extreme example. When you think of a friend, what defines that for you?
These series of posts have been about transitions and how to navigate them well. Transitions will come, but how we respond to them is what matters. Will we handle them well or poorly? My hope in sharing some of my experiences is to encourage and help those who are currently experiencing or going through a transition.
One of the best ways to navigate transitions successfully is to surround ourselves with people who want to see us succeed, often referred to as friends. Transition is hard, and it is a friend who sticks with you through the most difficult times. A friend doesn't try to fix or change you, nor do they stick around only as long as it benefits them. A friend is someone who is there for you in the midst of the challenges and discomfort, staying by your side until you are ready to move on. A friend shows empathy.
Here is Brene Brown's brilliant talk on empathy:
Having people in your corner who care about your well-being can make an immense difference when going through a challenging transition. Friends and mentors can offer vital emotional support by simply listening without judgement, validating your feelings and letting you know you’re not alone. Having even one person who will let you openly process all the complex emotions that arise, whether it’s sadness, anger, fear or relief, can help ease some of the burden during an overwhelming time. Knowing your support system has an empathetic ear and shoulder for you to lean on provides comfort.
In the fall of 2018, I became aware of a church that was facing challenges with declining membership. Over the years, they had been losing more members than they were attracting. I had been told that the youth pastor had attempted to merge this church with another one without the senior pastor's knowledge. This decision did not go well, leading to the senior pastor discovering the plan, ending the discussions, and firing the youth pastor.
Meanwhile, the church I was leading was searching for a larger building. However, constructing a new building was not financially feasible. Considering a merger with the struggling church seemed like a potential solution, as they had a much larger facility than our current one. I wondered if the pastor of the struggling church would be open to discussing a merger, especially since they were still facing membership issues and if they were included in the process.
Our church was experiencing growth and exciting developments, so I wanted to explore this opportunity further.
I tried to contact the pastor through email, phone calls, and social media, but received no response. For two months, our staff prayed, discussed, and made efforts to reach out. Finally, I decided to attend the Sunday morning church service, where I hoped to meet the pastor in person. As a new visitor, it would be hard for him to avoid meeting me. On that morning, as I climbed the church steps, I prayed that God would make it clear what the next steps should be. I wanted to know if the door was closed with no opportunity to move forward, or if it was an open door.
I entered the church and was warmly greeted by its members. I introduced myself to the pastor and asked if I could speak with him after the service. He agreed and expressed his hope that I would enjoy the service. We went through the service, which included singing, a time for greetings, a message from scripture, and a closing song. Then, something unbelievable happened. The pastor returned to the stage after the last song and began reading a letter to the congregation. In the letter, he announced his immediate resignation from his position.
The church gathered around the pastor and his wife, praying for them during this unexpected transition. I was in shock. Was this a sign? I reached out to the church's elders, explaining why I had attended that Sunday. We offered our support during the transition and expressed our interest in a church merger if they were open to exploring that option.
I share this because the discussion of a merger initiated a transition process for us. Through prayer and conversations with many people, the elders from both churches sensed God's leading in bringing the two congregations together. Throughout this transition, I experienced a range of emotions and feelings. Doubt, fear, concern, excitement, and anxiety were just a few of the emotions I felt. Some members of the church I led were opposed to the merger. These were people I cared for, people I was responsible for loving, leading, discipling, and caring for.
At one point, I found myself in tears, questioning if I had truly heard from the Lord. Did I just want this merger to happen because of my ego, desire for recognition, or some selfish ambition? Had I caused hardship, emotional distress, and difficulties for those I deeply cared about due to my selfish desires? As I opened up to trusted friends, sharing these feelings, they spoke life, truth, and perspective into my situation. They reminded me of my calling, vision, and God's guidance throughout the entire process. It was life-giving and exactly what I needed when I had lost perspective.
In addition to emotional backing like the experience I just shared, friends and mentors can extend practical, tangible assistance to help ease transitions. This could include helping assemble baby supplies in preparation for a new arrival, providing meals for a period after surgery or a family loss, offering professional connections when switching careers, or assisting with tasks like moving, packing and paperwork. Having assistance with daily responsibilities and big logistical hurdles during a challenging adjustment can provide much-needed relief. It also conveys care through action.
Friends and mentors can also provide accountability and encouragement to stay the course when the going gets tough. Checking in on progress towards goals, gently nudging when procrastination arises, and offering reminders of your capabilities even when self-doubt is high can motivate perseverance. Having cheerleaders celebrating small wins along the way helps maintain momentum too. Knowing you’ll have to report back to supporters who want the best for you drives determination.
They champion us when we have to make unpopular decisions. In life, there are often numerous choices, and making decisions can be overwhelming. No matter which choice we make, there will always be some form of opposition. Having people around us who want us to succeed will support and champion us as we make the best decision possible with the information we have.
True friends and mentors show up for you with their full presence, insight and understanding. They selflessly share hard-won life lessons, empathy stemming from their own falls, and wisdom to shortcut your own pitfalls. You never feel rushed, trivialized or burdened around them. Rather, you feel heard, valued and respected. In this safe space created by their compassion, you find freedom to process aloud and be completely yourself. There is no pretense, no hiding, no illusion of perfection. They seek to know and support your real, human self in all its dynamic shades - the good, the bad, the ugly. And you offer that same gift in return. This mutual choosing of each other, darkness and all, paradoxically allows more light in. More growth, more healing, more becoming. With abundant compassion directed inward and outward, together you rise higher. You broaden perspectives, unlock potential and seed dreams. Blunders fertilize wisdom. Setbacks strengthen resilience. Uncertainty fuels faith. As iron sharpens iron, you hone one another. The friendship itself soars as a crowning achievement.
How do we find these people? How do we find those individuals we should surround ourselves with?
The first practical step in finding supportive mentors and friends is to take an honest look inward. Examine your own capacity for compassion, vulnerability and presence with others. Aim to nurture those qualities if there's room for growth. Healthy relationships start from a place of emotional self-awareness and regulation.
Next, broaden your attention to recognize potential mentors already placed organically in your surroundings. Notice who listens well without judgement, who shares wise perspective born of experience, who pushes you gently to growth. Identify those positive characters in your existing circles.
You can also seek out communities purposefully oriented around personal development - coaching groups, skills trainings, support networks, recreational hobbies, faith gatherings and the like. Look for evidence of emotional intelligence in group leaders. Signs include open communication, accountability, maturity in resolving conflict, and commitment to growth.
Get clear on the type of support you need most right now. Is it practical guidance in acquiring new habits or skills? Accountability? Empathetic listening around emotional hurdles? Mirroring back self-limiting patterns? Tailor your search for mentors accordingly.
Start tentative mentoring relationships slowly, establishing common interests and building trust over time. Be willing to receive and give value in return through genuine human connection. Demonstrate reliability, discretion and compassion.
The journey of surrounding oneself with mentors is more spiral than linear, but with consistent effort promising relationships will take shape.
Whatever transition you are about to walk through, save yourself a lot of trouble, anxiety, and stress by taking inventory of the people in your life who want to see you succeed. They could be friends, parents, mentors, coaches, teachers, neighbors, employers, loved ones, relatives, roommates, pastors, but take the time to identify them. Let them know what you are going through and allow them (if they are worthy) to speak into your situation.
It takes time for me to identify individuals who do not bring value to my life. I have had to make difficult decisions to intentionally distance myself from certain relationships. Some relationships have naturally faded due to lack of proximity, while others I have chosen not to invest in. I wish I had better skills in recognizing unhelpful relationships, but I have put in extensive effort to navigate this. There are people who are simply unhelpful. They may have good intentions but offer no assistance, or they may prioritize their own gain over mine. The people I choose to surround myself with help me gain clarity in my other relationships as we share our lives together.
Surrounding yourself with people who genuinely want you to succeed is an integral part of transitioning well in life.
Thanks for reading. I’d love to know your experience with this. Who uplifts you when the going gets tough? What stories come to mind?